Ass-ets

The following is a phone conversation that Nelsie and I had recently. She didn’t know I was recording us but our lawyers are working it out.

Patience: I’m reading an article on self-improvement and…

Nelsie: Forget it. I spent the 80s and 90s self-improving. Rebirthing, crystals, slogans…

P: It’s an inside job!

N: Easy does it!

P: Sleazy does it.

N: This is as good as I’m gettin’. I’m done.

P: Done? I thought we had to be ever vigilant! Don’t rest on our laurels, right?

N: I’m resting. Turns out laurels are quite comfy.

P: What if, instead of concentrating on what needs changing, we focus on our assets?

N: With all your bike riding you’ve got one hell of an asset.

P: I know! Is it okay to feel delighted with one’s derrière? Is that conceited?

N: No! I say embrace your behind. Which is not easy.

P: Unless you’re a contortionist.

N: How about this: we’ll list each other’s assets so we don’t invoke the sin of vanity, God forbid!

P: That’s easy! You’re amazing!

N: Thank you. (Pause)

P: You’re not going to tell me I’m amazing?

N: Feeling insecure?

P: No, actually, I’m feeling pretty good about myself. This morning I peeled an apple so that the peel came off in one curly piece.

N: One of your greatest talents.

P: It’s a gift.

N: No wonder you’re feeling cocky.

P: I’m not feeling cocky, I’m feeling a deep self-love.

N: Huh? You peel one apple and you to feel a deep self-love? It took me decades of therapy.

P: Do you know how many decades of therapy it took for me to feel good about my apple peeling?

N: How many?

P: That’s classified.

N: So, like two decades?

P: Maybe, two and a half. It’s all a weepy blur. But you, my dear: the Michael Jackson Moonwalk? Who can beat that?

N: Thank-you. I am pretty funky for a white girl.

P: It’s one of the reasons I feel so connected to you. We’re both Honky babes that know all the lyrics to “Get the Funk Outta Ma Face”

N: Separated at birth! The Moonwalking is sort of like your apple peeling. I just begin to walk backwards and the spirit moves me.

P: Another asset: you’re so spiritually connected!

N: Because I can moonwalk?

P: Yes! But there’s so much more. (Long pause)

N: Go on, I’m listening…

P: I can’t think of anything.

N: Hey, get this! I can color my own hair!

P: What?

N: I colored my hair!

P: Why?

N: I was in need of some hair-improvement and I’m broke.

P: You are MADCAP!

N: Livin’ on the edge! I had no choice. Strangers on the street were saying, “Honey, your roots!”

P: Alex Haley called you.

N: (laughing) You are funny! Another asset.

P: So, how’s the hair?

N: Pretty good.

P: Pretty good?

N: Well, it’s a teeny bit purple.

P: A teeny bit purple? Like a little bit pregnant?

N: It’s not Goth-purple. It’s slightly violet in certain lighting. But it’s so much better than it was before, which is a tribute to how desperately I was in need of some self- improvement.

P: Speaking of hair, I was impressed with your round brush blow-drying technique I saw the other day. Very fancy!

N: Thank you! If I don’t use a round brush on my hair I look like a homeless person.

P: A homeless person with purple hair.

N: But no roots! Hey – let’s add “bakes Holiday cookies with children” to your list.

P: I make one batch of cookies for my kids and I think I should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

N: I’m serious! If there’s a Noble Baking Prize, it’s yours!

P: I took pictures so when they’re in therapy, railing about what an awful mom I was, I’ll have proof to the contrary.

N: I’ve got another one: you can yodel!

P: Yodeelay-hee-hoo!

N: A Manhattan-bred WASP who can yodel; a rare breed.

P: A nutty breed. I had to resolve a past-life issue or something. Anyway, I’m a lot of fun at parties.

N: To recap: You have a lovely ass-et, you can peel an apple in one piece, you decorate sugar cookies and yodel.

P: (tearing up) It’s so good to have a friend that appreciates what’s best about me. You can Moonwalk, you can color your hair (sort of), you wield a mean round brush, and you’re spiritually connected!

N: Are we shallow?

P: Maybe, but I’m feeling pretty good!

N: So, it’s not an inside job after all!

P: Awesome! Let’s go to the Mall.