As Patience and I cleaned the kitchen for the 200th time during the Thanksgiving Day weekend, Christmas carols played in the background…
P: I’m so grateful that I’m not an undertaker. Wow! Who ever does that is made of different stuff than I am, that’s for sure! I mean, could that ever be anything but following in the family business? Like, does somebody ever go to a life coach and go, I really don’t know what to do with my life, and the coach, after gathering all their personality traits and skill sets, says, “Undertaker”.
“I just went to a life coach and it turns out I’m all about death.”
N: Now I’m dressing up dead people and I couldn’t be happier!
Jingle Bell Rock begins to play.
P: OH GOD!! Not jingle Bell Rock again!!!!
N: So many Christmas songs to mock, so little time.
P: Really, all we have to do is write 2 or 3 Christmas songs...
N: …and we'll be set for life?
P: Yeah, 101.1 AND 106.7 are doing all Christmas songs all the time and I’m ready to hang myself.
N: I’ll lend you my vacuum cleaner cord.
P: No, I have Christmas lights. I'm good.
N: No. I couldn't let you do that. I'd come and revive you.
P: You’d revive me with myrrh?
N: Yes, with frankincense and Myrrh.
P: Yeah, the three wise men - Frank, Incense and Murray. Don’t you think Mary must have been thinking, "Um. Hello?! I just gave birth. Can you please give me some space over here?!"
N: Yeah. Hey, wise men! Get a boundary and get back to me.
I spot an unrinsed bowl in the sink.
N: My husband cannot seem to put the cereal bowl in the dishwasher. Why is that so difficult? Why?
P: All you have to do is get cancer.
N: Really? That’ll do it?
P: Van totally got up to speed when I was going through treatment. He used to load the bowls face UP.
N: No!
P: Yes! So they’d be full of water when it was finished. Completely retarded. But now he’s got chops. I mean, he doesn’t load it like I load it. I’m a virtuoso in making the most of the space.
N: You are.
P: It’s a gift.
N: It is.
P: But Van cleans the kitchen now! And very well, I might add. It was totally worth losing a breast.
N: I’m considering it.
P: You could fake it.
N: Yeah, like hire some unemployed actor to be my oncologist. Have we crossed the line?
P: You crossed the line. Don’t be bringin' me over any lines!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
'til, till or til?
Patience: I'm nervous. This is our first blog. Are we really going to write something? Does this mean we're not doing Youtube? What about the 'I kissed a Squirrel and I liked it!' video? Do we introduce ourselves? Should we explain 'Just Killin' Time Till College"?
Nelsie: Well, let's tell them what we almost called the blog.
Patience: OK.
Names we almost used:
No time for flossing moms
Bitter Barbies (Bitter Barbie comes with a carton of Marlboros, a bottle of Nyquil and a fading 8X10 of Bitter Barbie with Wayne Newton.)
Motherhood: The glamorous Life -- not!
Separated at Birth (it was taken, we want know by whom)
Angry and bitter Moms (Nelsie: this was my favorite but Patience thought it was a little dark -- The Angry and Bitter Moms Blog kit comes with a vacuum cleaner cord to hang yourself)
Patience: See? It's a little dark.
Nelsie: Should we introduce ourselves?
Patience: Sure.
Nelsie: I'll do you and you do me.
Patience:ok (Patience didn't really say that she's too busy trying to figure out how to access our blog from her computer. So, basically I've taken over the blog. I have the keyboard and hence all the power.)
N: Patience is tall and pretty with blue eyes and auburn hair. She always wears great earrings (sometimes they're a little'young' for her) and clothes from Anthropologie.
P: Not anymore. Now my new clothes are from Joyce Leslie and Mandee. The only new thing I have from Anthropolgie is their catalogue.
N: How old is that sweater?
P: That's a personal question.
N: Anyway, she's cute and smart and funny and laughs at my jokes and we've known eachother for twenty years. Now you do me.
P: Okay- that's a floater. I'm heterosexual and am not going to DO YOU no matter how you beg.
N: But you want me, it's your secret.
P: Nelsie is, apparently, confident about her sexuality, wears nice earring that are sometimes too 'old' for her...
N: Although the rest of my wardrobe is for a 15-year-old.
P: You can carry it off. Anyhoo- she's petite, gorgeous...
N: I'm cute, you're gorgeous.
P: Are you going to let me describe you or not?
N: I guess not. I'll shut up. But you are way more than cute. You are bee-u-tee-ful. Really!
P: By the way-my hair color , well, it's a long story. let's just leave it at auburn.
N: If we're going to start talking hair color, thats a whole other blog
P: Called...."Hair today gone tomorrow."
N: Oh brother.
P: Well, I did lose my hair
N: Again with the cancer! Yes, she had cancer, lost her hair, chemo schmemo. Blah, blah blah!!
P: You're right. That's yet another blog. It's just that ...well...we've probably got their attention now. :-)
N: I'm tempted to write the internatonal sign for blow jobs. Which I believe you invented.
P: Thank-you. Okay- stand back:
:-0<=8
N: Brilliant! Your finest moment! This is a lovely note on which to close our first blog.
P and N: Stay tuned
P: Do you tune into blogs? Are we dating oursleves?
N: Once again, you want me.
Nelsie: Well, let's tell them what we almost called the blog.
Patience: OK.
Names we almost used:
No time for flossing moms
Bitter Barbies (Bitter Barbie comes with a carton of Marlboros, a bottle of Nyquil and a fading 8X10 of Bitter Barbie with Wayne Newton.)
Motherhood: The glamorous Life -- not!
Separated at Birth (it was taken, we want know by whom)
Angry and bitter Moms (Nelsie: this was my favorite but Patience thought it was a little dark -- The Angry and Bitter Moms Blog kit comes with a vacuum cleaner cord to hang yourself)
Patience: See? It's a little dark.
Nelsie: Should we introduce ourselves?
Patience: Sure.
Nelsie: I'll do you and you do me.
Patience:ok (Patience didn't really say that she's too busy trying to figure out how to access our blog from her computer. So, basically I've taken over the blog. I have the keyboard and hence all the power.)
N: Patience is tall and pretty with blue eyes and auburn hair. She always wears great earrings (sometimes they're a little'young' for her) and clothes from Anthropologie.
P: Not anymore. Now my new clothes are from Joyce Leslie and Mandee. The only new thing I have from Anthropolgie is their catalogue.
N: How old is that sweater?
P: That's a personal question.
N: Anyway, she's cute and smart and funny and laughs at my jokes and we've known eachother for twenty years. Now you do me.
P: Okay- that's a floater. I'm heterosexual and am not going to DO YOU no matter how you beg.
N: But you want me, it's your secret.
P: Nelsie is, apparently, confident about her sexuality, wears nice earring that are sometimes too 'old' for her...
N: Although the rest of my wardrobe is for a 15-year-old.
P: You can carry it off. Anyhoo- she's petite, gorgeous...
N: I'm cute, you're gorgeous.
P: Are you going to let me describe you or not?
N: I guess not. I'll shut up. But you are way more than cute. You are bee-u-tee-ful. Really!
P: By the way-my hair color , well, it's a long story. let's just leave it at auburn.
N: If we're going to start talking hair color, thats a whole other blog
P: Called...."Hair today gone tomorrow."
N: Oh brother.
P: Well, I did lose my hair
N: Again with the cancer! Yes, she had cancer, lost her hair, chemo schmemo. Blah, blah blah!!
P: You're right. That's yet another blog. It's just that ...well...we've probably got their attention now. :-)
N: I'm tempted to write the internatonal sign for blow jobs. Which I believe you invented.
P: Thank-you. Okay- stand back:
:-0<=8
N: Brilliant! Your finest moment! This is a lovely note on which to close our first blog.
P and N: Stay tuned
P: Do you tune into blogs? Are we dating oursleves?
N: Once again, you want me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
