Holiday Dia(b)logue

As Patience and I cleaned the kitchen for the 200th time during the Thanksgiving Day weekend, Christmas carols played in the background…

P: I’m so grateful that I’m not an undertaker. Wow! Who ever does that is made of different stuff than I am, that’s for sure! I mean, could that ever be anything but following in the family business? Like, does somebody ever go to a life coach and go, I really don’t know what to do with my life, and the coach, after gathering all their personality traits and skill sets, says, “Undertaker”.
“I just went to a life coach and it turns out I’m all about death.”
N: Now I’m dressing up dead people and I couldn’t be happier!

Jingle Bell Rock begins to play.

P: OH GOD!! Not jingle Bell Rock again!!!!
N: So many Christmas songs to mock, so little time.
P: Really, all we have to do is write 2 or 3 Christmas songs...
N: …and we'll be set for life?
P: Yeah, 101.1 AND 106.7 are doing all Christmas songs all the time and I’m ready to hang myself.
N: I’ll lend you my vacuum cleaner cord.
P: No, I have Christmas lights. I'm good.
N: No. I couldn't let you do that. I'd come and revive you.
P: You’d revive me with myrrh?
N: Yes, with frankincense and Myrrh.
P: Yeah, the three wise men - Frank, Incense and Murray. Don’t you think Mary must have been thinking, "Um. Hello?! I just gave birth. Can you please give me some space over here?!"
N: Yeah. Hey, wise men! Get a boundary and get back to me.

I spot an unrinsed bowl in the sink.

N: My husband cannot seem to put the cereal bowl in the dishwasher. Why is that so difficult? Why?
P: All you have to do is get cancer.
N: Really? That’ll do it?
P: Van totally got up to speed when I was going through treatment. He used to load the bowls face UP.
N: No!
P: Yes! So they’d be full of water when it was finished. Completely retarded. But now he’s got chops. I mean, he doesn’t load it like I load it. I’m a virtuoso in making the most of the space.
N: You are.
P: It’s a gift.
N: It is.
P: But Van cleans the kitchen now! And very well, I might add. It was totally worth losing a breast.
N: I’m considering it.
P: You could fake it.
N: Yeah, like hire some unemployed actor to be my oncologist. Have we crossed the line?
P: You crossed the line. Don’t be bringin' me over any lines!